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Ok, so not the worst day. This morning I had a class to renew my CPR training, which took way too long. Then a chiropractor appointment, which went just fine (my whole body hurts – isn’t that great?). Then a dentist appointment to take a look at a rough spot on my tooth. Turns out a filling came loose and needed to be replaced. So now my face is numb (which IS the worst), and my whole body hurts from being tense and shaking like a cartoon character through the whole thing (not a fan of the dentist…can you tell?).  Probably should have thought ahead and scheduled the chiropractor for AFTER the dentist rather than before.

Anyway, sorry, today’s just a complaining kind of day I guess. Tomorrow will be better. That’s the mantra of the day. Tomorrow will be better.

In better news, yesterday was my last day of traveling an hour to and from work every day! And my last day of full time employment! Yay! I’ll now be working 2.5 days per week much closer to home. Which means I have more time to spend on job #2 (instead of what I’ve been doing, which is both jobs on most days…I’m so, so tired). So anyway, things are looking up. Just not today.

It’s a strange fact that being connected to the world makes many of us feel more isolated and alone than ever before. The fact that we all share the airbrushed “perfect” moments of our lives, and rarely delve into the depths of our low points, really only helps to make us feel alone when we’re going through a difficult time. “She’s got 2 adorable kids, she has 2 jobs, keeps a clean home, and she even has time to make bread by hand twice per week! Why can’t I make it through one day without feeling like a failure as a parent?” Well I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. I’m NOT just my online persona. We all need to remember that none of us post the bad as much as the good. I yell at my children. I hide in the bathroom when I just need a few minutes to myself. I let my house fall into chaos before I summon the energy to clean it all up. I feel like I’m failing my son when he doesn’t learn as quickly as his sister. I feel like I’m failing my daughter when she just wants me to read her a story and I just need her to get away from me for 10 minutes. I feel like I’m failing as a wife when I give all my energy to work and the kids and have nothing left for him. I feel like I should be doing more, but I can’t seem to get the motivation to get off the couch. I take antidepressants. You’re not alone. So the next time you feel like a failure, remember that you’re no more a failure than I am. And I’m a pretty kick-ass lady.

Seriously, though. As my husband says, “Sleep is just a pause button for her.” Don’t think that telling her “we’ll find your gloves at the masquerade ball tomorrow” will get you off the hook. She’ll wake up, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and her first words to you will be “Can we go to the masquerade ball now?!! I need to find my gloves!! Can we, can we, CAN WE??!?!?!?” with much jumping and excited clapping of hands.

And no, I don’t have any idea why she’s so worked up about her gloves (she’s never had any) being left behind at a masquerade ball (she’s never been to one). Just accept that it happened and move on. You’re not going to win this one.

Do toddlers meet the criteria for psychopathy? Let’s examine the facts. While not officially recognized as being a true disorder, psychopathy is frequently described by three characteristics.

• Boldness. Low fear, high tolerance for danger, high self-confidence and social assertiveness.
• Disinhibition. Poor impulse control, problems with planning and foresight, lacking urge control, and demand for immediate gratification.
• Meanness. Lacking empathy, defiance of authority.

And now, let’s examine my toddlers.

• Boldness. Zero regard for personal safety, boundless self-confidence, no fear of strangers.
• Disinhibition. Complete lack of impulse control, minimal planning and foresight, lacking urge control, and demand for immediate gratification.
• Meanness. Usually after-the-fact empathy, disregard and defiance of authority.

That said, they’re also extremely empathetic. Madeline saw a blemish on my forehead and gently held my face and said “you got an ouchie, Mom? I can make it better” and kissed me. Emmett sees Madeline crying, and pats her on the back and tells her “it’s ok, Madela, a hug?”

So I guess what I’m saying here is that if you have toddlers, I’m sorry. But I’ve been told that those beautiful moments of tenderness show who they really are inside. Even if they follow it up by slapping someone in the face.

Oh, and they’re almost painfully funny. Like, all the time. And they’re cute, too. That helps.

As my children get older, it’s amazing to watch them figure out how language works. I’m always torn on correcting their pronunciation. On the one hand, I want them to be understood. On the other, I seriously miss (or will soon miss) the toddler words and phrases they have already or will soon stop using.

Schnack (snack)

Nobuct (yogurt)

Dubdup (pizza)

Bunt (button)

Crush (push) – as in “crush the bunt”

Lem (lemon or lime…it’s versatile)

Schticky (sticker)

Ladle/Ladela/Madela (Madeline)

Hot dog (Mickey Mouse)

Mickey (hot dog – it only happened once, but it was amazing)

Fiss (goldfish)

It makes me sad that I can’t remember more. Every word they learn to say correctly is proof that they’re growing up. I just want them to slow down a little.

And then Madeline says something like, “Wow, Mom, that’s amazing! That’s a lotta jigsaw puzzle!” in her squeaky little voice with perfect pronunciation and it’s ok. If you’re going to be funny about it then go ahead and grow up 😆

How can kids be SO funny and SO sassy at the same time? It’s an amazing defense mechanism. Some examples from this morning. Keep in mind that we’ve only been up for about 3 hours.

• I got out of the shower this morning to find that Emmett had destroyed the puzzle we were building (not a big deal, because we just started the other day). He then proceeded to pick it up one piece at a time. 1000 pieces. And he gave an enthusiastic “thank you!” after handing me each piece. It was funny in an “omg, how is he still going” kind of way. (And no, I didn’t let him do the whole thing that way. We’d still be up there.)
• Madeline asked for raisins to be added to her trail mix for second breakfast (because she’s a hobbit). I then found her picking out all the raisins and throwing them about the living room. When I walked in, she turned quickly, hands behind her back, and said “how can I help you, Mom?”
• I was kneading dough. Madeline was rubbing her head on my legs like a weirdo. Almost tipped me over. “My hair’s so crazy now, Mom!”
• Currently, Madeline is at the bottom of the stairs and Emmett is at the top. She keeps turning off the light, Emmett keeps turning it on. “Can you guys knock it off already?! You’re driving me crazy” “No, mom. We’re just fine. It’s not crazy. Thank you!”
• They were playing a game earlier, and they were arguing to the point of hitting and crying about whether you count to 3 or 5 before pulling the lever. Emmett insisted on consulting the instructions. After careful examination, he determined “Toy Story,” to which Madeline replied “oh, ok.” At least they know what they’re talking about.

“What have you done?!”

“I really wouldn’t worry about it”

Dishwasher tabs are kind of fun to make, and they smell delightful. Two dozen made in about 10 minutes. Now I just have to hope they pop out of the “molds” without crumbling. I hope to be able to test them out in the next couple of days.

In non-DIY news, Madeline tried to eat the piano. It’s a miracle she doesn’t have lead poisoning [yet].

My little man is 5 years old. He loves Beauty and the Beast, Moana, Mickey Mouse, goldfish crackers and hotdogs. He is also still wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, because apparently Christmas isn’t a time of year, but rather a state of mind. He likes to be my helper (“I’m helpful, Mom!”), and he spends more time with his books than he does with his toys. And I keep waking up way too early to find him staring at me, which is super creepy.

Emmett also has Down syndrome, which means it takes him a little longer to learn than a typical child. He’s determined, though. I’m teaching him to read, and he asks to “play the flashing game” (flash cards) multiple times per day.

He’s also a big fan of pushing his sister, because that makes her scream like he just ripped her arm off. So that’s fun.

My little girl was a bald, jowly potato 3 years ago, but now she’s a curly-haired sparkle princess. She’s hilarious, overly dramatic, Minnie Mouse obsessed, fashion forward, and loves Target as much as I do.

So you know how kids tend to say whatever pops into their head, with no sense of propriety or sensitivity? Well it’s almost more funny when they behave “appropriately.” We were at Walmart today picking up a couple things, and a woman who looked older than God stopped us to complement Madeline’s pigtails. Maddie thanked her, the woman tapped her nose, and Madeline laughed. As the woman walked away, Madeline had this goofy grin on her face. Once the woman was on the other side of the aisle, Madeline turned to me, still smiling, and stage whispered through her teeth, “that lady’s really old.”

My little man dressed himself this morning! I handed him the clothes so they weren’t backwards, but the rest was all him.*

The best part was when he had everything on and yelled “I did it, Mom! Look at me!”

You can see in this picture, taken about 2 minutes after his joyous proclamation, that the giddiness brought on by his newfound independence didn’t last. Now he’s all “No, no school. All done.”

*I also put on his socks for him, because socks were created by the devil to frustrate my child