I’ll be the first to admit that I have flaws. Lots of them. Not too long ago, I was letting those flaws bog me down. I was depressed, I was overwhelmed, I was dissatisfied with my life. Things were far from perfect, and it made me so, so sad.
Then I started to take steps to turn things around. I realized that the hardest step was admitting that there’s a problem. I did that, and started taking medication. Then another one. I saw a therapist for a time, who helped me to see that while I may not be able to control what happens around me, I’m in complete control of how I react to my surroundings. My emotions are mine, I am not theirs.
I decided to start cutting things out of my life that didn’t contribute to my happiness. I read Marie Kondo’s book, and saw that all my “stuff” was just that – stuff. And what do you do when you realize that you’re sinking? Start throwing stuff overboard.
I realized that my entire closet of clothes made me sad, because I didn’t fit into any of them anymore (damnit, baby #2!!). I got rid of everything except for a handful of ones that actually made me happy when I wore them. The new benchmark for buying clothes at the store became “Do I feel happy when I wear this?” rather than just “Does it fit me?”
I realized that my kitchen was filled with clutter. I had several “specialized” kitchen devices that I rarely used, along with a bunch of things that I’d just had forever and never questioned, and finding a space to keep them all was stressing me out. I threw them overboard and only kept what I enjoyed using.
I realized that my children’s closet doors were broken and/or difficult to open, which frustrated me every time I tried to put away clothes or get them dressed in the morning. I got out my tool box and took them off the walls. We’re still figuring out a replacement, but I feel a sense of satisfaction every time I use their closets.
I opened my eyes to the fact that every day at work started with optimism for a productive day of helping people stay healthy, and ended with me wanting to lie face down on the ground for a couple of hours to recover from all the angry people who think their error-prone doctors are infallible and don’t even know what my job is (error catcher, not pill counter). I decided to go down to part time to keep my sanity.
I worried that by dropping down to part time I’d be negatively impacting my family’s finances, so I got another job teaching children to speak English. It’s rewarding, I get to work with children one-on-one, and I’ve found that I’m actually good at it!
I realized that I don’t have close friends to talk to about all this (which I’m totally okay with – I’m so bad at IRL friendships), so I started this blog in an effort to get it all out there. My husband doesn’t have quite as much patience to listen to me babble about the benefits of shea butter as you fine people do. Thank you!
Basically, I decided to start taking my life into my own hands. My life is still far from perfect, and that’s okay. I’m still finding new ways to improve, and am still identifying things that I can change. The important thing is that I’m running MY life, and I refuse to let my life run ME. And that, for me, is perfect.
2 Replies to “The quest for perfection”
Casey! I’m so in this place right now, I’m so glad you shared this. ❤
Casey, although I’ve not spent years with you….the time we spend together means alot to me. I’ve learned alot from you…about how awesome you are and how you take on challenges that I surely wouldn’t!
I continue to be in awe.